10 films that deserve the Muppet Christmas Carol treatment

One of the best things about being an adult at Christmas, beyond the fact no-one can shout at you for drinking in the morning, is making your own traditions. One of mine, perhaps I think my most cherished one, is The Muppet Christmas Carol. Specifically, The Muppet Christmas Carol Sing-Along screening at the Prince Charles Cinema just off London’s Leicester Square.

A story of the ills of capitalism, greed and isolationism, The Muppets’ take on Dickens’ classic tale continues to represent the best and truest adaptation of the text. Clever, self-referential and daring, I remain convinced it is perhaps the best thing ever committed to celluloid. As the season returns, the ever relevant question returns of what other classics The Muppets could, and should, add their considerable acting chops to. In the spirit of the giving season, here are ten suggestions.

1. Lord of the Rings

I don’t want to say Peter Jackson is a coward, but his inability to bring to an on-screen conclusion the raw sexual and romantic tension between Frodo Baggins and his ever dutiful ‘gardener’ Samwise Gamgee remains a blight on an almost perfect trilogy.

It’s a tension – nay, a promise! – that could perhaps only be realised through the raw dynamism of Gonzo and Rizzo the rat, stepping in to bring climax to the greatest untold gay love story of our times. The Rings of Power we actually deserved (sorry). Other highlights include Kermit’s Aragorn, Miss Piggy’s Eowyn (I am no man!) and Ian McKellen’s Gandalf continuing to steer the increasingly chaotic ship towards the fiery slopes of Mount Doom.

2. American Psycho

While Luca Guadagnino has apparently found his reboot Patrick Bateman in Austin Butler, he’s really missed a trick. The perfect actor already exists in the form of Sam Eagle. It is, after all, the American way. (Fear not, Jared Leto reprises his role as brutally murdered Paul Allen)

3. Hereditary

Miss Piggy’s version of the ‘I am your mother’ monologue would win the Oscar so cruelly kept from Toni Colette as she struggles to reckon with the decapitation of Robin at the hands of Alex Wolff’s Peter before accidentally immolating daddy Kermit.

4. The Substance

A spin on the classic ‘keep one human’ Muppets formula – The Substance, but Miss Piggy plays every character. I’ll be taking no more questions.

5. The Godfather

You come to me, on the morning of Fozzie Bear’s daughter’s wedding? Look how they massacred my Pepe the Prawn. Just get in the fishing boat Gonzo, everything will be fine, I promise. Janet’s Appollina will be grieved forever. Al Pacino’s star turn as Michael Corleone, with Kermit’s Tom Hagen and Miss Piggy’s Kay Adams-Corleone is ready to bring the Godfather Cinematic Universe to a whole new generation.

6. Trainspotting

Animal shines as Begbie. Baby Kermit traumatises a whole new generation by posthumously crawling across the ceiling. Fozzie Bear takes a wrong turn post break-up and tragically dies from AIDS. The Swedish Chef’s Mother Superior steers the crew down the wrong path. Beaker shits the bed. Ewan McGregor stays. Choose Life. Choose the Muppets.

7. Gone Girl

Ben Affleck stands bereft. Amazing Piggy is missing. Around him, cameras flash. Chief of Police Fozzie Bear stands alongside Miss Piggy’s parents as they make a desperate plea for her to return. Affleck, in a state of shock, poses next to the picture of his wife. He smiles.

8. Wicked

Tell me you wouldn’t want to hold space for Kermit’s Elphaba? Gonzo’s Boc? Sam the Eagle’s Wizard? That Miss Piggy’s ‘Popular’ wouldn’t pop off? Jonathan Bailey, of course, stays.

9. Home Alone

Listen – if we’re gonna retell a classic Christmas story, let’s go with a modern fave. McCauley Culkin stays, fending off Rizzo and Gonzo as the Wet Bandits in increasingly creative ways. Meanwhile, Miss Piggy and Kermit frantically try to get a plane back to their accidentally abandoned son, and Sam the Eagle stuns as Old Man Marley.

10. Nymphomaniac

I decided, in my wisdom, that my first (and thus far only) watch of Lars von Trier’s sex addiction epic was to be the day after a particularly big weekend. Six hours of increasingly depressing ruminations on the nature of sex, human relationships, power, abuse, and womanhood could only really be made better via the medium of Miss Piggy (which I guess is true of all things).